{"id":53358,"date":"2018-12-14T00:07:13","date_gmt":"2018-12-14T00:07:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.babyhealthandcare.com\/what-to-do-when-your-toddler-wont-stop-hitting\/"},"modified":"2018-12-14T00:07:13","modified_gmt":"2018-12-14T00:07:13","slug":"what-to-do-when-your-toddler-wont-stop-hitting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.babyhealthandcare.com\/de\/what-to-do-when-your-toddler-wont-stop-hitting\/","title":{"rendered":"What to do when your toddler won\u2019t stop hitting"},"content":{"rendered":"
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The scene: You\u2019re at the playground, watching your child happily play in the sandbox when suddenly\u2014whack<\/em><\/strong>. Your little angel hits the kid next to him for no good reason. You turn red, and you freeze for a second: Should you apologize profusely, scold your child or hightail it out of there?<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a good chance you might end up doing a combination of all three as you simultaneously wonder how this happened. After all, you\u2019ve taught your child not to hit<\/strong>\u2014and yet there\u2019s still so. much. hitting. It\u2019s particularly frustrating when kids seem completely willing and able to learn other rules but flat-out ignore this one.<\/p>

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\n10 alternatives to making your kid say sorry<\/span>The thing is, they\u2019re not actually ignoring it\u2014they just haven\u2019t learned how to control a very natural impulse, says Joanne Cummings, a Toronto-based clinical child psychologist and a knowledge mobilizer<\/strong> for the anti-bullying network PREVNet<\/strong>. \u201cWhen you feel thwarted, or you\u2019re feeling angry and frustrated, the natural inclination is to hit out at the environment,\u201d she says. \u201cChild psychologist Richard Trombley had a great line that I always say to parents: Aggression is not a learned behaviour, it\u2019s a natural, in-born behaviour; children have to learn not<\/em> to be aggressive.\u201d<\/p>\n

This fun phase tends to peak between ages two and three, and some children are more prone to it. Research shows that boys tend to be more aggressive<\/strong> than girls, and children whose verbal skills lag sometimes hit because they\u2019re frustrated and this is the only way to get their point across. Individual temperament and wiring also comes into play, with some kids feeling emotions more intensely than others.<\/p>\n

As for why a child might seem to learn other rules but not this one, Cummings says to think of it like this: \u201cWhen they say please<\/span><\/i> and thank you<\/span><\/i>, they\u2019re not usually in an intense state. But if someone takes their toy or says it\u2019s time to get up and they don\u2019t want to get up and transition, the feeling of being frustrated and angry is so great that the child lashes out and hits before they realize what they\u2019ve done.\u201d<\/p>\n

So how can you get your impulsive, emotional toddler<\/strong> to stop hitting and find a better solution? We\u2019re so glad you asked!<\/p>\n

Intervene<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Yes, it\u2019s great to let kids work things out and practise their skills\u2014once they actually have skills. First, you have to teach them. \u201cThey can\u2019t solve this [problem] themselves because they lack the life experience to know about sharing,\u201d explains Cummings. \u201cThey need scaffolding and coaching<\/strong> in the moment to help them through those behaviours.\u201d<\/p>\n

Use a catchy phrase to get your point across<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Cummings is partial to this Daniel Tiger<\/em> line: \u201cIt\u2019s OK to feel angry. It\u2019s not, not, not OK to hurt someone.\u201d It\u2019s simple, easy to remember, can be sung and cuts to the chase quickly. Even better, you\u2019re not dismissing the way your child feels. \u201cYou\u2019re acknowledging they\u2019re angry,\u201d says Cummings. \u201cBecause often we say, \u2018Don\u2019t hit,\u2019 and we respond to the behaviour but ignore the underlying feeling<\/strong>, so the child doesn\u2019t feel understood.\u201d<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t force them to apologize<\/strong><\/h2>\n

If you see that your child feels remorseful or sad, encourage them to express that to the other child, says Cummings. But a disingenuous \u201csorry\u201d<\/strong> is meaningless. Helping your child understand why their behaviour wasn\u2019t acceptable is a better strategy.<\/p>\n

Recurring behaviour sometimes warrants a time out<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Yes, right then and there. \u201cWe want to have firm consequences that you can\u2019t hurt people, and we want that to be reliable and predictable,\u201d explains Cummings. That said, depending on the child, sometimes the displeasure it evokes in adults can be enough to change the behaviour. \u201cOn the other hand, shaming isn\u2019t helpful either. The adult\u2019s attitude should be: Everybody makes mistakes; that was a mistake. You need to have a time out, and then you can go play again.\u201d Once the child calms their body and breathing, you can problem-solve together.<\/p>\n

Later on, when things are less emotionally charged, help your child develop empathy<\/strong>. As you read books or watch TV shows, talk about how the characters feel and ask your child how they might feel in a similar situation. Once they start to understand where others are coming from\u2014and that they wouldn\u2019t want to be on the receiving end of a smack\u2014aggression can start to dissipate.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s also essential to model proper self-regulation and self-management yourself. Obviously you shouldn\u2019t hit, but beyond that, show your child how to deal with anger. Cummings suggests saying something like this when you\u2019re upset: \u201cI\u2019m feeling angry right now. I\u2019m frustrated because I wanted the house to be tidy and you spilled something all over the floor. I wanted the house to be clean, but I\u2019m just going to say to myself: \u2018You did it by mistake; you didn\u2019t mean it<\/span><\/i>.<\/em>\u2019<\/span><\/i> I\u2019m going to take some deep breaths, and now let\u2019s clean it together.\u201d That kind of narrative may seem wordy to you, but it provides an exact mental road map for your toddler.<\/p>\n

All of that can lead to a lot less hitting\u2014and a lot less stress<\/strong> and embarrassment for you.<\/p>\n

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Read more:
5 things you might not know about spanking (including whether it\u2019s ever OK)
What to do when your toddler starts hitting herself
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